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Michael Harriot, The Root - August 11, 2020

I was today years old when I discovered that Tucker Carlson is not Ben Shapiro’s father.

All this time I had been assuming Tucker had impregnated Laura Ingraham (or perhaps Marge Schott) during a passionate, lust-inspiring moment like a Ronald Reagan speech or a recording of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” You know—something raunchy.

If you don’t know who Ben Shapiro is, first you should immediately thank God, Morgan Freeman or whichever divine being you serve. Now, as for Ben Shapiro, imagine if a discarded Dasani water bottle had a baby with the Koch Brothers (Conservatives like threesomes, too!), who gave the baby up for adoption to Joe Rogan, who hired Tomi Lahren as the baby’s nanny.

Shapiro touts himself as a babyface conservative libertarian, which essentially means he is a Republican, but he doesn’t like to wear ties. He is also Jewish, which, according to people in my inbox, means he can’t be a white supremacist even though he is white and believes that the western civilization is superior; being transgender is a mental illness; Black people are prone to violence and that he’s perfectly fine with killing innocent Muslims.

Shapiro is the Archie Bunker of Alex P. Keatons. His schtick is that traditional (people in Mississippi pronounce it as “why-itt”) moral values are important and, therefore, feminists, progressives and Black people who are not Terry Crews will eventually lead to the decline of American exceptionalism. As a leading pseudo-intellectual, he hammers home his beliefs with faulty logic and bullshit facts that his lowbrow audience eats up instead of reading books. ...
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